Random Shit-tastic Nonsense…


I have to start out by saying that I am sorry *sigh*again, for any inconvenience my absence may have caused.  Yeah, I know, I’m not all that important, but I just thought I would throw that in there. I thought that by now I would have a little extra time to be hanging around on the computer..guess not!  It seems like every time I turn around lately one shit storm or another is brewing and I have no choice but to walk on through to the other side. Such is life, right?

There are so many places that I originally intended to go with this blog.  So far, I don’t seem to be making headway in any direction, besides dull and boring.  That could be because I have a little birdie that keeps chirping in my ear about what I should and shouldn’t post.  Hmm..well, as far as I am concerned, I think I will just spout my thoughts whenever I damn well please and whatever lands in this white box is free game.  I seem to remember my very first post saying something along the lines of “if you don’t like what I have to say..don’t read it”..I’m not twisting anyone’s arm to sit here and read a damn thing!

That being said, I’m telling you I am in a strange, random mood this evening!  Normally right about now I would be reading.  Kids are in bed.  The husband is taking up residency across the bed watching Sons of Anarchy (on his cell phone of all things) trying to get caught up on all of the seasons.  Me?  I’m a mixed bag of clusterf%&*!  I think it may have to do with the fact I drank a half gallon of lemon tea today.  Yeah, I would say that would be it, since I can’t sit still and my thoughts are racing from one thing to another. I can honestly say I am feeling happy, pissy, excited and sad, all at the same time.

I am happy because, even though it’s not official, it feels like fall.  I have christened it’s unofficial existence by severely abusing the 350 degree heat setting on my oven.  I freaking love to bake.  It is the one and only thing that I will freely admit I am good at! **We will continue to look past last Thanksgivings cherry pie mishap. It looked great on the outside..the inside looked like a sacrifice of sorts. In my defense, I had three other pies going and that one should have went in first.** Anyway, fall months also bring my favorite holiday.  I love cooking for the family.  If you are my Facebook friend/relative, you already know this.  I don’t know why, but I just like the thought of being able to cook a huge meal for a bunch of people.  It gives me a sense of satisfaction, that I set out to do something, worked really hard, and in the end everybody enjoyed themselves.  I have plans to continue the thorough use of my oven for the rest of the week.  It’s a damn good thing I don’t partake in many of my treats, because I would have to put a treadmill in the other corner of the kitchen (might mot be a bad idea anyway :)).

I’m pissy because, if I have to make one more phone call to the internet company this week, I am going to drive around town until I see one of their vans, drag one of the “crafty assholes” to my house, show him up close and personal like, that we DO NOT have their cable service and not so kindly let them know that if they shut my service off again because of a past due bill on services that I do not render from their company, they can shove the whole damn thing up their asses.  Seriously?  How in the hell do you charge someone for cable and internet, when they are signed up for an internet only package, then try to tell them that they still owe $102 for services that WERE NEVER INSTALLED?  One girl I talked to was convinced it was a conspiracy to steal cable..Really?  I pay for satellite..why in the hell would I need cable too?  I really don’t like tossing money out the window every month.  UGH..what a bunch of morons!

I am excited because I have been writing more.  Tossing around some scary ideas in my head.  If, in fact, those “scary ideas” become more than ideas, I may let you in on it.  ; )

And finally, sad.  I’m not sure why, but every time I stop for a few minutes and really think, I just feel sad.  Maybe it’s the weather change..who knows.

But, anyway..There ya have it!  That’s what I’ve been up too for a little bit and what I’ve been thinking about.  Hopefully, I will spout some more randoms from my phone here and there..short little quickies to let ya know I’m still teetering on this side of the edge of the Earth!

Questions, comments, concerns on my questionable comments are always welcome —>over there is the e-mail address!




The Notorious Mr. Weenie…

Here is the story of how Otto came to be a fixture in our home. I say fixture, since I think he has over stayed his welcome and needs to head on out…the children disagree. I do have to take some blame for getting him here, since I made the initial suggestion..believe me, I’m kicking my self in the ass, repeatedly, for this slight in judgement.

For many years, my husband had told me that he wanted a wiener dog. His grandparents had them when he was growing up and thought it would be fun to have one. (Having this one is not fun, by the way) So, last February, around my lovely husbands birthday, I just happened to be glancing through the classifieds and came across an ad for Miniature Dachshunds. (The fact that I’m actually reading the classifieds is strange, in and of itself, since we don’t normally have the newspaper!) The ad said he was a “pure bred, first shots, wormers, $150”. I thought this was a reasonable price, considering there were others more expensive. This should have been my initial red flag, but nope, I tell the hubby about it and he said he didn’t know if it was a good idea. I said “well, he’s cheap, and you’ve always wanted one and he could be your birthday present!” He told me to call and talk to the lady that had him and she informed me that she was a breeder, he was 10 weeks old, all black, with a little tan on his face and paws, he was the last one and a little bit bigger than the others had been, so that’s why she had lowered the price. After much deliberation, the girls catching wind of the conversation, and some begging on their part, he decides, ok, we can get this puppy. Sight unseen, this German critter already had been graced with the German name, Otto. Here’s where the rest of the flags should have been thrown…

It turns out that the woman lived in Darlington, WI. Upon writing down directions to her home, my husband and his buddy, take off on a road trip set to retrieve the dog. Mind you, they take nothing to contain the dog in, thinking that he could just chill out on someone’s lap or in the back seat on the way home. How much trouble could a 10 week old puppy be in a car anyway, right? Riiight. After, getting lost on the way there, because it turns out that the woman lives in what would be considered BFE, they arrive. Flag # 2 should have been screaming at this point because from what they said, besides the fact that there were many animals roaming around the property, the house looked uninhabitable…and that was just the outside. There were boarded up windows, holes in the porch, miscellaneous things piled everywhere, and some talk of chicken wire somewhere it shouldn’t have been..again, this not even into the house yet. They get out and go to the door, only to be greeted by the old woman, around 15 other dachshunds barreling out the door, the overwhelming stench of urine and dog crap, and from what was described, nothing short of a disturbing episode of Hoarders. Umm..Red flag #3, much?! She invites them in, tells my husband some particulars about the dog, some other ramblings..including the fact that her furnace isn’t working (keep this in mind), and tells him that this 10 week old puppy is a fan of farm fresh scrambled eggs for breakfast. Yes, this means that this woman got up every morning, scrambled a couple dozen eggs, then set them on the floor and let the mass amount of four legged wieners fight to the finish for their fair share of the feast. She then sends him on his way with a dozen eggs ‘fresh from her, obviously, free range chickens” and a ziplock bag of puppy food in exchange for her $150. Back to the car…

Conversation on the way home was, obviously, interesting to say the least! I wasn’t with them, but I heard the re-caps plenty of times to know! Once they get back on the road, little Otto is shaking. This is seemingly normal, since this poor little dog was living in some questionable conditions, he’s now in a moving vehicle, and he has no idea who these two guys are. I’ve received a few picture messages by this point, letting me know they are on their way home, showing me what he looks like and just how stinkin cute he is. (The opinion that he is cute has not changed..it’s really the only thing he has going for him) Here starts the fun! While letting my husband know a thing or two about the dog, the fine old lady never mentioned an anxiety issue. By anxiety issue, I mean this dog is panting, whining and drooling all over! They decide to sit him in the back seat, so maybe he will just lay down and possibly sleep? Oh, no…in starts the after effects of little Otto’s breakfast of eggs. He has gas. Remember, it is February..not exactly roll down the windows and enjoy fresh air kind of weather! Regardless, the odor emanating from this 8 pound animal is enough to get the boys gagging and rolling down the windows. Only, it isn’t just gas. The anxiety attack that the dog is having, has him pacing the back seat, shaking, drooling and foaming, has surpassed gas by way of diarrhea and they are only half way home. This is the part where I wish I was a fly on the windshield! The vehicle smells so bad, that it has both guys hanging their heads out the windows, coughing and gagging. Coughing and gagging then turns to vomiting, which has them pulling over to try to rectify the situation. See..Red flags everywhere! It turns out that, he crapped on the bag of food and all over the carton of eggs, so that was easy enough to get rid of..but, what was on the seat, they couldn’t get off because they had nothing to wipe it up with. Strange, since they had my vehicle and I usually keep napkins handy for the kids. Back on the road, dealing with the left over stench and the dogs continuing freak out session, he loses it a couple more times, and they make it back to town in one piece…all three of them missing their breakfast, though.

The girls and I return from the baby shower we were attending and they are instantly in love with this little guy with long floppy ears and big, brown, puppy dog eyes. They boys relay the days events, saying that the conditions at that house were so extreme that they actually discussed calling her in. They decided against it, since it seemed like the animals were what kept her going and they didn’t really want to interfere with that. I’m sure if there were children involved, it would have been a different story. I realize that she didn’t give my husband his papers or his tag, so I decide I will call her the next day to see if she could mail it. Otto seems to have calmed down, considerably, now that he is no longer in the car and everything seems to be going smoothly between him and the girls and our other dog Dexter. I’m not gonna say that Dex wasn’t slightly put off by us bringing a new dog home, but he is pretty laid back. End of the night is near and we get the cage ready for Otto, since he is new here and we weren’t giving him free reign of the house. We get him in the cage, the girls go up to bed, we go in our room, and so begins the howling and whining! By howling, I’m telling you it sounds like someone is inflicting serious injury upon this dog! We figure this is because it’s a new environment and he will calm down after he realizes that everyone is quiet. WRONG! He continued all. night. long. The girls came down several times to ask if we could make him be quiet so they could sleep and we told them that he just had to get used to being here. We ended up moving his cage into our laundry room so we could shut the door and try to make the best out of what was going to be a rough night of sleep. The next morning, we go to get him out of the cage and realize that the anxiety issue is not only a “car ride” thing. He has completely defiled his cage. Ok..this is fun! We get him outside, get the cage out, clean him and the cage up and again, he seems fine. While cleaning him up, though, we notice he has a bump on his side. Almost like his rib was sticking out..I make note to ask about this when I call the previous owner in a little bit. I call, ask about the paperwork, mention the fact that he didn’t do too well his first night here in the cage and ask about his side. The woman acted as though I were some barbaric being for putting him in a cage all night and informed me that all of the “puppies” slept in bed with her on a heated mattress pad since her furnace was out. WHAT? 15 freakin dogs in a bed with you? Uhh..negative! Then I bring up the issue of his rib. She says that since the puppies are so little when they are born, the mother often steps on them and they can suffer broken ribs. Umm..ok..and you wouldn’t have thought to have this looked at by the vet when he was there? Anyway, I’m slightly blown away by the confessions of the “crazy weenie lady” and I give her our address to send the info. (BTW, there was nothing to do for the rib, when I took him to the vet. It just healed funny and I’m not entirely convinced that his head wasn’t stepped on a time or two and his brain didn’t heal funny.)

Fast forwarding…the cage situation never got better. He would bark, howl and whine himself into a frenzy anytime he was put in there. We decided to start leaving him out at night and only putting him in the cage when we were going to be gone. Leaving him out of his cage at night wasn’t too bad at first. We expected a few landmines here and there and that is exactly what we got. Even if you let him out right before bed time, we can still expect a fresh pile somewhere in the house. Rubbing his nose in his accidents and/or swatting his back side, have done nothing to cure this issue. We can let him out, watch him go, only for him to come in the house and poop next to the door in the living room within ten minutes. Caging him when we leave is no longer an option, due to the fact that he was some how able to manage to chew through one of the metal slats across the back. Yes, he still has all of his teeth..I checked. I had come home numerous times to things being pulled into his cage and shredded! While in the laundry room he somehow, through the side of the cage, got the laundry basket that was next to it, chewed through the plastic side of the basket and pulled most of the clothes through, into the cage and proceeded to pee on them. Thank you for that, Otto, I LOVE LAUNDRY! The last straw with the cage was when broke the plastic piece that slid through the bottom and was able to walk the cage around the house. (Never actually witnessed this taking place, but I did see him trying to poke his head through the back where he had chewed through and with that, I figured out how he was moving it.) He walked it into our bedroom, pulled a comforter off of the bed, pulled it through and chewed it up…stuffing everywhere. He has to be tied up when we let him out and he has cost us countless dollars in collars, tie outs, and a harness, because he breaks them and proceeds run like a raped ape through the neighborhood. Good luck trying to catch him. He is fast and he thinks it’s a game. Countless dollars have also been wasted on shoes, bras, and mini-blinds. He will tear up a flip flop in record time, chew a bra in half, and eat the mini-blinds right off the window, if we are not courteous enough to have opened them enough so he can look out the window and bark at the wind. He, also, likes to nibble on small people and bite my husband and draw blood.

Since this is mainly posted on Facebook and Twitter, you all have heard the stories of my daily dealings with Otto, aka The Notorious Mr. Weenie, aka Hou-Weenie, so I thought I would give you the back story! We can all concur that I am not a fan and I wouldn’t be the least bit heartbroken if he choked on a flip flop or didn’t make it back after one of his leash escapes! Through reading this and realizing the environment that he came from, you should be able to see why we think it wasn’t just a stomp to the noggin that set him on this track to idiocy…we are pretty sure that his parents shared the same DNA!  I am long passed convinced that this is a puppy stage and things will get better. So, as long as he is around, I’m sure there will be more to read about his struggles to stay alive!

Kids These Days…

Today’s installment is brought to you, courtesy of the irritated aura that has been surrounding me for the past two and a half weeks. What happened two and a half weeks ago, that has me so irritated, you ask? School let out for summer! This has resulted in quite the fiasco at my house…well, for me anyway. When I get set in a routine, it kinda knocks things off kilter when the routine changes. Things that throw me for said loop include, my husbands ever changing work schedule and my children’s school attendance! I can handle one at a time, just not both at the same time! Usually, after a few weeks, I start to settle into the new routine..this summer is proving to be challenging, thus far.

I told the girls before school got out that they were going to be helping out around the house this summer. I have had them do a few things here and there, all with complaint, because “their friends don’t have to do house work.”( I call bull shit on that one, but what do I know?)  I decided that I was going to start a list of things they need to do before they can go out and play. So, last night at dinner, my husband commented on the fact that he had been upstairs to the girls’ room and that it was pretty gross. I figure now would be a good time to let them know that I haven’t really appreciated their behavior, that they really needed to find their manners, and have some responsibilities. The oldest’s cell phone is freaking out, after I had told her, more than once mind you to put it on silent, and she is having an all out meltdown because she was told “no” to having a sleep over with her friend! I’m talking shoulder heaving, crocodile tears, snotty nose, type meltdown.. . How dare we be so mean, right? So, after having quite enough of her for the day, considering she started an all out texting war with me earlier in the day for not getting her way and now she’s crying a river on to the kitchen table, due to not getting her way again, I tell them that after dinner they need to go up and start cleaning upstairs. This results in more tears because I, also, inform them that there will be no phone, no computer, no tv, and no playing, until the upstairs is spotless and the list of other things I have compiled in my head is complete. I know, real slave driver, right? I also, let them know that the list of tasks to complete will take up most of today, so beware, and that if we worked together these things wouldn’t take as long and it wouldn’t be so hard.

Now, on more than one occasion I have asked them to do the dishes. The oldest has a gag reflex like nothing I have ever seen and she is hugging the toilet before she even puts a finger in the water most of the time..the youngest ones endeavors in dish washing, are most likely to cause bodily injury, because there is more water on the floor than there is in the sink. After dinner, when they are supposed to be headed on upstairs, the oldest grabs the sponge, douses it with nearly a quarter of the bottle of dish soap (I shit you not, it was unreal) and starts scrubbing a bowl…no water necessary, apparently. Puzzled, I ask what she is doing and she claims that she is going to do the dishes. I calmly let her know that I will be doing them tonight and that she is supposed to be upstairs. I am sure by now, that you have all gathered where my children are supposed to be after dinner, and considering the fact I haven’t mentioned it nearly as many times here as I had last night, my intelligent little ones were still confused. At this point, I am seriously thinking I need to take up pencil and paper and draw a map. Head up they do, only to come down a few minutes later to throw a few things away and wander around. I plant the seed in their heads that it would probably be a great idea to grab the cleaning supplies on their way back up. It seems that mom has had a stroke of brilliance with this little tid bit and they return to cleaning. The upstairs isn’t that big so this shouldn’t take too long, so I’m not surprised when they come back down. The oldest then tells me she is so sorry about how she was acting and that she plans to stay up all night, if that is what it takes to clean the whole house. I can only laugh at the sight of her jaw dropping when I tell her that, this is more than a one day thing and that even if she did stay up and I could ice skate across the laminate floor, she would still not have her phone back until I was ready to give it back! (By the way, 11 year olds text some really stupid shit! I seriously felt a tinge of embarrassment while reading her messages!) Needless to say she’s pretty good and pissed at this point. I am putting toilet bowl cleaner in the toilet and I will be God damned, if the two of them did not start fighting with me about who was going to clean the toilet! I did mention that the oldest has a gag reflex and throws up almost daily, right? Anywho, I go ahead and let the oldest take the wand and scrub on, only to be surprised by the fact that she comes out to the kitchen when she is done and gets the Lysol cleaner to do the rest of the bathroom! WHAT!! Let me get this straight…she can’t touch the dishes without throwing up, but she is willingly scrubbing the shitter! YEP! I put the youngest on laundry duty and had her change her clothes, while trying to figure out the imposter in the bathroom. The youngest has a bad habit of dropping her clothes where ever she feels like it and then they never make it to the laundry. And, when I say “drops her clothes where ever she feels like it” I also mean, when ever! My youngest is not the least bit shy about running around in her underwear at any given time. I do believe she gets this from her father, as I have seen many underwear only pics of him as a wee one! I prefer to keep as much clothing on as possible! So, after the train wreck that is our evening closes, they go to bed with the instructions to bring their sheets and blankets down in the morning and all seems well.

Guess what I wake up to? A pissed off pre-teen, in my face because she didn’t have her phone this morning to check the time and she was really bored. She was “so mad” that she admitted to entertaining the idea to hide my phone, because it was so unfair that she couldn’t have hers. I explain to her that if she would start in on the stuff that she is supposed to be doing today, she wouldn’t be bored and she would be all that much closer to getting her phone back. This does nothing to appease the situation. So, starts the discussion with her about her attitude problem and the fact that she really doesn’t deserve to have a cell phone since she doesn’t want to help out around the house. You would think that after being warned about her eye-rolling, facial expressions, huffing and snotty tone of voice on a regular basis, that today of all days when I have said phone in my possession, she would at least try to bull shit the bull shitter! Nope! This child is full of so many excuses as to why she shouldn’t have to have responsibilities around the house. My daughter would make one hell of a lawyer, one day. New piss poor attitude rule is, simply, the number FIVE. I’m not really sure where I pulled it out of my ass in the middle of my own defense, but at anytime I feel that she is taking her cell phone freedom a little too far and doesn’t have her inner 30 year old in check, all I have to say is FIVE, and I take the phone for five minutes. Yeah, I know that fives minutes may not seem like a long time, but to this child it’s an eternity! Really!  At the end of those five minutes, if she still hasn’t shaped up, I get to keep it for another five. It already seems slightly effective, since, after finally getting after them for most of the day, the constant reminders that I really didn’t care if it took them a whole other day to get this done they still weren’t “un-grounded”, they actually got it all done, privileges were reinstated, she had been with out the damn thing for almost a whole 24 hours.  Holy freakin shit..it’s a miracle! Sadly, I think all of the lessons taken away from this little punishment, I was the one that learned the most!

This is what I learned. Grounding your children is more of a punishment for you than it is for them. Not much is different, besides the fact they have limited access to things in the house and they are supposed to be doing chores. They complain more, if that was even with in the realm of possibilities! This grounding business should come with a “hazardous to health” warning that reads.. Will likely result in one or more of the following: headaches, no doubt due to high blood pressure readings that can only be assumed near deadly, causing impaired vision, ringing of the ears, and quite possibly “the big one”.  Pimples, yes zits, on the face because of how many times you will have had your head in your hands shaking your head at the load of horse shit your oldest was trying to sell to get herself out of her situation. Bald spots..from intense scratching of the head, trying to figure out what in the hell is so hard about following directions and why you have to repeat said instructions numerous times for the youngest one. Bouts of near asphyxiation for the “grounder” from holding ones breath so they don’t spout of random strings of explitives to the “groundee(s)” that would result in the neighbors in a 3 block radius calling the police/DCFS/ a number of different organizations that you don’t have time for at the moment. Tongue lacerations from biting your tongue ,while holding your breath, to keep from passing out. Unexplained shopping trip to the hardware store for duct tape, rope, heavy link chain (depending on the severity of the situation), dead bolts and ant killer. (What? I have ants!) and Exhaustion..need not be explained, please refer to above mentioned statement.

Honestly, you all know that I would never harm a hair on either of my children’s heads, but I swear, I don’t think I have ever had more patience wearing days…EVER! I love them to pieces and I know they are intelligent little girls, but sometimes I have to wonder what is going on in their heads! So, stand by, if you wish, because I’m sure there will be more to come on this topic of conversation!

P.S. Any and all comments welcome to assure my sanity that I am not the only one! : )