Love and Loathe…. updated
I have lots of things that I want to get posted on here, but I just haven’t had the time lately. The back to school routine should settle down here soon and I hope to have more time. Just like any other mom, I was more than ready for the ladies to head back to school, but this school year has had me a little nervous. Our oldest started middle school. I’m not sure why I’m freaking out, internally, that she is now in 6th grade. Maybe it’s because it doesn’t seem like all that long ago I was there, in the same school (it was our high school then), feeling shy and awkward, trying to remember which class I had next, that stupid locker combination that wouldn’t work because I was always getting my gym combo and hall combo confused? Or, maybe I just can’t come to terms with the fact that she is growing up too fast and that makes me feel OLD!! Yep, that’s it! I remember putting her pretty little face on the school bus for Kindergarten. I cried. Two years later, putting our youngest on the bus was a breeze! I teared up a little, but not like when Madelynn left that day. I think about this and wonder, why? I was used to having, at least, one of my girls home with me all day and now they are both gone. I should have been a mess..guess that episode is still a mystery, because I can’t figure it out! So, this school year starts. I took Madelynn for her open house. I was fine. I was fine until I got home from dropping them both off that first day and I lost it again! (I’m actually getting emotional writing this..Geez!) Malerie seems to love 4th grade, so far. When we found out who her teacher was going to be, I knew it was going to be okay for her, because she had the same teacher for Kindergarten. Madelynn is now in school sports. She is a little more adventurous, like her dad. I didn’t do sports in school..I was on the yearbook committee..Good enough! We are a full week in to school now and everything seems to be going good. Mornings are working out with less arguing than in past years and soon we will be going to Madelynns volleyball games.
On to the title and reason for this post..I got the mail yesterday and I teared up again. Don’t get me wrong, I usually feel like crying or destroying the mailbox when I get the mail, but I maintain because that’s not real mature! Anyway, yesterday the only thing in the mailbox was a light blue post card. On the label it said, “To the Parents/Guardian of: Madelynn”. I flipped it over, while pulled up to the mailbox, in the wrong lane of traffic (good thing we don’t have much traffic on our street) and read the following:
Dear Mom and Dad,
Wednesday our first day of school went good as you know. I had Mr. Erb for a homeroom.
I love this school. It was hard at first but I like it a lot. We can chew gum and eat candy and have
our cell phones. The teachers are nice. Lockers are getting easier everyday, except for the fact I
need to clean it! The thing I don’t like is the locker is next to the bell. That is SO LOUD! Mrs. Bivins
is an awesome teacher. She is my teacher before the lunch!
It may be strange to some, but that little post card, with her hand writing, telling us about school made me feel so much better. In the past the kids have received letters or post cards from their teachers, but we have never received anything like that. It is a little hard to read, since she wrote it in pencil, but I plan on keeping that with all of her other school memories. Once again, it’s the simple, little things in life that make me happy or feel better. That little blue post card was the highlight of my day..all because I got yesterdays mail.
Sorry to those who are fans of my nonsensical musings..I haven’t had a whole lot of time to write. I’m jotting some stuff down now and I have quite a few things I need to get posted on here, so stay tuned! Hope everyone is having a great day!
Sorry for errors…this ones posted from my handheld lifeline a.k.a. my phone!
This entry is brought to you courtesy of my caffeine depraved morning fog. This, for the poor souls that have to bear with me first thing in the a.m., can be considered downright scary.
It is almost 10 am and I haven’t had my first full cup..the gears need oiling and I feel like I slept face down in a sand box. All I can see are the vividly, real dreams I was stuck in. Stuck as in I know they are dreams and I consciously tell myself to wake up, but my subconscious thinks I need to see these things…three quarters of the time, they scare the shit out of me. I am “one of those people” that think/know dreams have meaning. I have looked up my dreams on several occasions, had repeat dreams (that have all ended up leaving me one less loved one and completely confused) and they all relate to what’s going on in my life, how I feel about my self, or are some freakin psycho/psychic premonition of doom. Not one has ever resulted in happiness.
The main thing I do not understand about all of it is, how can a person dream so vividly of a person they have never met or of places they have never seen or been? I honestly think this has something to do with my insomnia. I mean, who really wants to go to sleep knowing what’s waiting there?! My husband, of the little bits I’ve told him, says maybe it has to do with all the books I read. If that were the case, I would be having happy dreams, I think!
This is so frustrating and has ruined my morning. All I keep seeing is beyond crazy shit and when I have these kind of dreams it zaps most of my energy. I feel like a bus wreck. I don’t think this is normal! Any suggestions as to how to drag my mind away from this crap?!
Sorry for errors…this ones posted from my handheld lifeline a.k.a. my phone!
Yesterday, I mentioned how “I love…our garden”. Above is a picture of what my husband picked on Tuesday night! Even though we have had a serious drought and an excessive heat wave this year, the only veggie that seems to have been affected by the heat and lack of rain, were the green beans. We had a ton, but good ones were few and far between. Luckily, canned veggies last awhile, because we still have plenty left from last season.
The larger tomatoes above are going to, finally, be chopped and made into fresh pico de gallo and cucumber salsa today, and hopefully this weekend, the Romas (smaller, pear shaped ones) will be made into spaghetti or chili sauce.
We seem to be having a great year for our green peppers, hot peppers and cucumbers, as well. Normally, I would have already been making pickles, but we can’t seem to get enough smaller ones at the same time. (This is saddening, because my homemade garlic dill refrigerator pickles are amazing..or so I’ve been told!) Oh well, cucumbers go fast around here with the kids!
Every year we seem to try to plant something different than we have in the past, and this year my husband chose watermelons. We have done canteloupe, squash (which no one here eats), and other viney things, but they never really did much. I haven’t really been out to look, but he says the watermelons are doing well and the girls are really excited about them!
The thing I love most about the whole gardening thing is..first, it reminds me of when I was young and being at my grandparents house. They had a big garden and when we were running around in the back yard we would grab a bean or two, or pea pods, or whatever and keep on playing. My husbands grandparents had gardens, too, which was more inspiration. Secondly and mainly, it is an awesome learning experience for our girls. They see their food grow in the backyard and get
to see the processes we go through to make it into a meal. For being 11 & 9, they know when the proper time is to pick things just by looking at them and feeling them! And the best part…they eat their veggies!
Ok..enough rambling about the veggies! I have to do something with them now!
Sorry for errors…this ones posted from my handheld lifeline a.k.a. my phone!
This is a list compiled in my brain about..well, read the title! I use the word “loathe” because I think “hate” is a strong word and “loathe” is a much better term for most of these things! Believe me, I have no problem using the term “hate” when it comes to something I dislike with a fiery passion, but not here with these things. This is an entry that will be on going.. I plan on adding to it as time goes by. The entries are in no particular order, either. Enjoy! ** When I add to a topic, or pick up where I left off, I will mark it with an asterisk.**
I love…my girls! While this admission should make another person shout “no shit?”, my intention is to explain exactly why! I feel that there is not not one word in the English vocabulary to define how deep a mothers love runs for their children, nor is there a point that a mother is ever going to love their child(ren) less. My girls may think that I am the meanest person they have ever encountered…I am pretty sure at this point our 11 year-going on-30 year old thinks that I hate her…Our 9 year old, well, one never really can tell what she thinks, she marches to the beat of her own drum…Yes, they may drive me bat-shit crazy most days, but that does not mean that I love them any less. Nothing makes me happier than to see them smile, hear them laugh, watch them excel, and see them succeed in something they have put their minds to. They are both beautiful, intelligent, young women that have made me so absolutely proud to be their mother.
I love…My Husband! One of the best quotes that I have every read was “The best thing a father can do for his daughter, is love her mother”. For the last thirteen years he has done just that. I am not an easy person to live with, some days, but he still comes home to me. He has stuck by me through thick and thin and at the worst points in my life he has been there to show me and remind me of the important things. He may piss me off to no end, as well, but we both know that we aren’t going anywhere and everything will eventually work out. He is hard working and busts his ass to make sure that “his girls” have what they need. He is an amazing father, an excellent husband, a best friend and a lot of people don’t give him enough credit. There is a huge difference between “love” and being “in love”. Not only do I love this man, but after all this time I am still in love with him as well. As for the quote..he is doing exactly what it says and whether he or the girls know it now, he is showing them daily what they should look for in a man when they grow up…Loving their mother unconditionally and that is a lot more that what a lot of kids their age have.
I love…My dad! I may get emotional here! I don’t think I have ever really told my dad exactly how I feel about him, but I can only hope that my feelings of adoration are conveyed properly when I am around him. I see my parents often. We only live a few streets away. My dad is kind of like a super hero to me, in a way! I know that sounds silly and girly, but I am not imagining my dad in a cape flying in to save the day! He has taught me a lot over the years and he has always been there for me when I have needed him. I really think that he is the only person in my life that truly understands my emotional self and he has always been supportive. We may not sit down and have heart to hearts, or whatever, but I know that if I needed to get something out, he would be there to listen to me and help. He is where I get my sarcastic, witty, laid back personality and the red hair and freckles. He is the reason that I love motorcycles and dirt bikes, I can check oil in my car, know where car parts and motorcycle parts are properly located and what they do (if on the off chance I ever felt like taking a motorcycle apart?!) I can change a flat tire (if I wanted to..but I keep him and the hubby around for that!), I know what tools are (and if you get them out of his tool box you better make damn sure they go back to their assigned location!). He loves vintage motocross, bought our oldest daughters first motorcycle before she was even born, and rebuilt it in the basement! He had her on that bike shortly after she told her dad and I that she wanted the training wheels off of her bicycle when she was three..yes, my little girl was riding a motorcycle by herself at three! He walked/jogged beside her on that bike until she got the hang of it and the smile on his face that day was priceless! Of course, she had been on countless rides with Grampy before then, around the yard. We didn’t let our youngest on a bike until she was about seven…she is our rambunctious one and the idea reeked of disaster until then. There is so much more I could say about the amazing guy I get to call my dad, but I will stop the rambling and just say that I am thankful that I have him in my life and that is is a kind, loving father and grandfather.
I love…My mom! Well, we knew this was coming, obviously! Ok, well my mom and I don’t always see eye to eye and we tend to disagree more than agree. I chalk this one up to, we are more alike than what we’d like to admit! We really do get along for the most part. We talk daily and like I said we see each other often. We disagree mostly, when I am in a bad mood she tends to get defensive, like she’s the one that made me mad, or on the disciplining of my children! Funny, huh? I guess you could say I don’t use the standard approach to disciplining my girls. Due to the fact I usually can’t help what flies out of my mouth, I usually have a smart-assed comment/threat. My mom does not find these as amusing as I do. The threats have recently included, “if you don’t knock it off, I’m gonna Gorilla Glue your hands together and mouth shut”, this one is usually reserved for the 9 year old that is a constant chatterbox and likes to interrupt. It makes her stop talking, it makes me laugh (mostly, because it is a funny thought, and I know I would never do it) but, my mom has to say “now why would you say that?”..then ensues argument. Really, mother, I have no intention of harming my children. They don’t even get spanked! Hence, the reason their mouths run like ducks asses and they think they can keep doing what they are doing! Oh, well.. I will get this figured out one of these days! Now that Captain Sidetrack has left and I have returned, I really do look up to my mom, as well, and she has helped me through a lot. I know that if I call or go to her I not only have my mom, but a friend to be there for me. You are never too old for a hug from your mom, to make you feel better! She watched our girls for us while I went to Barber School and while we both worked. I am and will be forever grateful for my mama.
Okay..enough mushy for a minute!
I loathe…many things about entering the bathroom!
First, I will start with..toilet paper. In a house with one man and three girls, the toilet paper needs to be changed often. I seem to be the only person that feels that it is necessary for it to be on the holder. Hmm, amazing concept one had there when inventing that! Sometimes, I do not put it on the roll after I have had to twist and turn myself into a pretzel formation to see where the last user has set it. This is only because I am testing theories..ones that I have completed are…I am no more brain damaged after putting it on the holder than I am setting it back on the floor, or on the back of the toilet, or on the sink, or JUST NOT GETTING ANOTHER ROLL OUT AT ALL! I have, also, come to the conclusion that it does not pain me in any way to put it on the holder and throw the empty one away, as the garbage is right next to the toilet. Putting the new roll on does not make the new roll spontaneously combust, does not make the bathroom go on full lock down, or, make you suddenly get sucked into the toilet and spit out into an alternate dimension. So, I’m really trying to figure out what the deal is with that.
Second… If you are the only guy in the house and you are the last one to use the bathroom before bed..PUT THE DAMN SEAT DOWN! I do not appreciate a cold wet ass when I have to get up to go in the middle of the night, since I don’t turn on the light!
Third…We have a shower curtain for a reason..Make sure it’s shut when you are showering (small children) because I do not particularly like slipping and sliding across the bathroom floor!
Fourth..Toothpaste is not finger paint. If it falls off of your toothbrush, find something to rinse it down with. Please, do not stick your fingers in it, in an attempt to make it go away! That being said, it does not belong on the walls either!
I loathe…Picking up garbage that is left on the kitchen table or, more so, set on the counter next to the garbage can. It is with in arms reach, you do not even need to look…extend arm and drop! This too has not caused me any bodily harm. This specific “loathe” is one that just irritates me to no end and I am pretty sure that it is exactly the reason it happens!
I loathe…Being misunderstood. If I am to say something in a conversation, whether verbal or written, and you aren’t picking up what I’m putting out..please, by all means ask me to clarify. I will. I would rather answer a few more questions to get my point across, than to have some one misconstrue what I was saying to begin with.
I loathe…When I go through all the trouble and spend most of the day preparing and cooking a meal…and no one eats.
I loathe…Drama. I have dealt with my fair share of drama and I know there is more to come, having two daughters. As for other adults, check your shit at the door before you walk through. We don’t want it here. I’m not afraid to tell you what to do with it either.
I love…Green olives on pizza. (Bet ya can’t guess what I’m eating?)
I love…My best friend. Some days she knows me better than I do. We haven’t always been the “best” of friends, but we have always had a bond. I remember the first day we met on a school bus! There has always been something that has drawn us together. We don’t need to talk everyday, although we try to, and we don’t really even need to be in front of each other to know if something is wrong. We have thought this over and come up with some theories. Not all of which are wild and crazy..just some. We seem to think that we were somehow related or were soul-mates in a past life. Yes, Steph, I am laughing as I type this business about soul-matieness..it is really about the only thing we can think of that can explain the love we feel for each other. Now that that cat is outta the bag (still lmao) She is my one of my biggest cheerleaders and has always navigated me in the right direction. Believe me, she has to be part angel for the fact that she still hangs around after some of my less than stellar moments in life! But, she has let me be a part of the best moments of hers. While, obviously being physically present, at the birth of my children, although the first one I was so hopped up my brain was at a baseball game and could only see purple and the second, I was fighting with the anesthesiologist to take the damn oxygen mask off my face so I could throw up (yeah, labor and I don’t get along), I got to be there to witness the birth of her beautiful girls. It is so strange to feel the emotions of someone else. When she was scared, I felt scared..when she felt pain, I felt pain. When she felt joy, I felt that, too..but, I obviously had a different level emotions with the second one. I was asked to cut her umbilical cord..did as asked..then proceeded to the nearest exit for your run-of-the mill, 4 am, hospital parking lot melt down! No words exchanged! I felt like an ass after I calmed down and went back up to the room, but when you know your about to have an epic emotional moment, like heaving sobs, and ugly snot..no one needs to be around for that! I probably would have been admitted to a different floor! See, I am the queen of getting side tracked! **Anyway, she is one of the greatest people that I have ever known. She is beautiful -inside and out-, fun, caring, loving, and always willing to lend a hand. I feel blessed to have her in my life. Our relationship has proved that you do not have to share the same DNA, to be sisters.**
I love…Our garden. Well, it is actually my husbands garden. He plants everything and picks most things and I cook it! He actually does some of the “cooking” too though, because he is the master canner! He likes canning the veggies, creating sauces and canning them, too. It is fun and our girls really like it. **This year we have the usual yukon and red potatoes, green beans, red, yellow, and white onions, three kinds of tomatoes, green peppers, salsa peppers, cucumbers, cabbage, we tried lettuce-it didn’t work, and watermelons. I feel like I’m leaving something out..Oh asparagus! All are doing well, except the green beans, but you can read about that in my entry “Cream of the Crop..”
**I love…My brother. Like I said in the beginning, these are in no particular order! I only have one brother and, like I stated before, we aren’t a really emotionally expressive family. My brother and I butt heads quite a bit, but what he doesn’t know is that I look up to him and I am really proud of him. He has done well for himself by going to school and meeting the goals that he has set out to achieve. He has confidence in himself and a sense of self-assured-ness, that I wish that I had. I have never been able to really “come out of my shell” and be completely comfortable with myself, but he has this down to a science! I admire these qualities in him, but his “my way or the highway attitude” gets on my nerves every once in a while! (It really does, but we would all think there was something wrong with him if it didn’t make its occasional appearance!) I am more than sure that there are plenty of things that I do that get on his nerves, but that’s just how it goes right?! We still love each other just the same and I will always have fond memories of… teaching him his ABC’s (yes, I really do remember this) playing in boxes that mom brought home from work, outside with our slushies from Okey-Dokey, wearing insanely goofy sunglasses, his Kawasaki bicycle that I got really pissed when he wouldn’t let he have a turn, his blue jean jacket that he seemed to have to wear everywhere, riding our bikes on “the big cement”, him letting me play baseball with him and his friends (he always says it was because they needed an extra player, but we all knew that I had a hell of an arm for a girl and I wasn’t afraid to get hit…well, except that one line drive to the shin/ankle when I was pitching, but I lived!), fighting over baseball cards, him teaching, or trying rather, me to drive a stick shift (some of the funniest shit ever!), the first time I rode the “super poochy” by myself and almost hit the neighbors garage…there are tons as we got older since we are so close in age and we had mutual friends, but I will stop being nostalgic! Oh wait, I have to add this one just in case he happens to read this! The one night we worked together at Subway and he didn’t realize I was helping a customer and was on the other side of the half wall, loudly making noises like a motorcycle shifting gears, while he played with the food scale!! HAHA.. his face was so red when he looked up at the register to see a customer standing there! Ooh man, anyway you look at it, I love my brother to pieces and wouldn’t trade him for the world! Thank you for being there for me when I have needed you, for bringing Liz into our family and blessing us with a gorgeous niece and one handsome little nephew.
I love…Reading. I am more than obsessed with books. I love being able to pick up a book and connect with the characters. Reading is relaxing for me. It has become, like, some sort of mental release…I just zone out of my reality and into whatever I’m reading. I love Indie authors! I understand that all authors put a lot of time and effort into their work, but I have a different sort of respect for self published, independent authors. Most that I have read, I have had not only a connection with the characters, but felt a connection to the author. Some people don’t understand it, but I figure there are worse things I could be doing with my time! I actually get to meet one of my favorite authors, in September, and a few others that I am a big fan of! I am pretty excited about this actually..I can’t wait! I would like to start a side blog where I can review the books I read. This one might get neglected then, though!
***I love…Writing. I have a couple notebooks in which I write. I keep a journal, which helps me quite a bit. It has always been easiest for me to get what I need to say or what I am feeling out on a piece of paper. The journal is my private space to vent. The front page includes a “death threat” (lol), stating that I do not want anyone reading it at all. When you are a mom you rarely have anything that is “just yours” and that is mine! I also like to dabble in poems and short stories. I don’t like to let people read those either, because I feel that some of them are quite personal and people like to jump to conclusions (I loathe…when people jump to conclusions ). Although, this week, I did share two poems with my bestie and (even though she would praise me and tell me the most wonderful things about myself to make me feel better..) her response was really encouraging. I feel that if I keep up with it, they can only get better!
I love…That when my daughter asked me what Lit/Comp meant, on her class schedule for 6th grade, she got extremely excited! She said “Oh! It’s a writing class?! I said “Basically, yeah. It’s Literature and Composition.” She said “I love writing. That is so cool!” I can’t tell you how happy that made me. I know that she loves to write! I am constantly picking up paper all over the house (that’s a loathe, by the way) that she has tossed aside while making up short stories! I love that we have that in common!